Understanding 'Wants'

How often do we attempt to understand what we actually want? Remember…as children we used to cry for toys which weren’t in our possession, we used to shed our tears for the unfulfilled promises made to us and also for the dashed hopes. At a later point in life when we look back and recollect those instances we tend to laugh at ourselves for having cried for a so called trifle issue. What we fail to realize is that even at that juncture we are still crying over something which we carve for and it’s almost sure that we would be laughing over it in near future for the amount of seriousness we gave to the issue in its present. Try giving it a thought…..

The Journey begins afresh.....

I was sure I knew myself....infact I thought I was the only person who knew what I am...but then came a mighty wind and blew off the veil of ignorance from my mind...now I am a traveller..trodding a path unique to each individual...a path of self realization... Funny though it seems travelling from a juncture wherin u feel everything is simplified...everything is 'perfect' ..to a place which involves destroying all such myths...moving towards a place highly complex...highly confusing...yet highly satisfying as u feel proud of yourself of having not lied to your own self about what you feel you are...that is what my destination seems to be as of now...I say so coz even I am not sure how far I am going to tread this path...may be few moments hence I will stop and again get back to that unreal, false & illusionary point from where I started...but I hope I do not do so...I hope... My destination is that milestone where even though the entire universe may seem hazy and foggy...yet for me, my mind be clear and soul be pure... the journey hopefully continues till then....

Peace....where do I find it..?

Where can I get peace
is it avalable for lease??
Is it in trying to smile
when you are away from it by a mile??
Is it in giving....
when you feel like retaining
Is it showing that you are wise
when you know that you are otherwise
I always wanted peace
and enjoy its smooth fleece
but more I try to have it defined
more I feel myself refined
Is it really so reclusive
or is it only for few exclusive??
Its claimed by the lovelorn
and also by the heart torn
Peace as an irony
really seems so funny
but the question still remains...
where is it that peace rains???

"...till death do us apart" - Truth or a Myth ????

It was nearly 2 years that she had moved away from him. He just couldn't believe that she could do such a thing. the numerous affirmations she had spoken about their relation still haunted him. "How can a person move away from a commitment made to one's own self?", he frequently asked himself. Thousands of times she had reiterated that she would be with him till her last breath, each time when he had heard her words he used to ponder on whether he was really capable in matching her grit...but then...all of a sudden...and he felt he was much better then her when it comes to standing by one's words. He was on verge of shrugging off his past when one fine day.....

He was chatting with a collegue who was underperforming. He was probing reasons for her non-performance. Slowly she spoke her heart out, about a boy friend she had, about their parents' resistance towards their match and the numerous obstacles she was facing to convince the elders. Hearing her story, his past revisited him again. He posed her a simple question...."would you be with him irrespective of the obstacles you face?". Her affermation was followed by a sentence he hated the most..."I'll be with him till death do us apart". He bade her to leave and walking back towards his cabin smiled heartily. Does such a statement ever exist in action? he was confident that it didn't.
There wasn't much work that day. Trying to relax in his seat he pondered as to why humans use such phrases and successfully convince fellow beings when they know they might be incapable of delivering goods when it matters the most. Is it because they are unaware of the ferocity of the situations they might come across in future or is it because of an instable mind which keeps on changing loyalties or is it simply because of a typical human tendency to "speak more and do less" ??? Whatever it be, the sufferer is always the person who believes... "people just like me", he felt. Even among friends phrases like "tere liye to jaan haazir hai" ...."jaan jigri dost" are very common.
But irrespective of whether these friends really stand up to the phrases used, we are rarely bothered. But when it comes from someone with whom we have plans of spending a lifetime, we never miss it as a casual something. We always believe the person. statements like these can be compared to an imaginary wall on which we try to lean. Time comes when we are so sure of the existance of this wall that that we let it support our full weight. And one fine day when we realize that its a wall built of bricks containing just words, even before the next thought has entered your mind, you are already on the ground with a broken spine.
Now does this mean that all humans are untrustworthy.....hmmm... difficult to answer because no one can affirm or negate this statement with complete confidence.

(to be continued....)

Alpha 2 Omega

Prologue

We were sitting on a bench in the park. Complete silence surrounded us. It was comparable to the pleasantness experienced at the twilight during dawn. I asked her why she fought with me. I wanted to know why was the element of mistrust was thrust between us. She was calm and composed. Her answer still continues to positively haunt me. The voice and words are still afresh. “Agar pyar nahi karti to jhagada kyun karti ?” was her innocent reply, rather an innocent question. I was speechless. It was the first time that any girl had expressed her love for me. It was a dream come true. I wanted to pinch myself to check if I was not dreaming. I held her close to me, I could feel her breath, and looking directly at her beautiful eyes I was completely lost in her. I drew my face closer to hers; our lips were eagerly waiting for that magical moment. I couldn’t stop myself and kissed her gently. I was feeling that even she was feeling relieved at that moment. With closed eyes we were lost in each other, it was difficult to separate our locked lips, and finally when we did, we realized that the fabled magical moment called the “First Kiss” was a history in our life. “I love you”, I whispered, her voice echoed mine with an additional “too”. It was and would remain the finest moment in my life.
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THEIR STORY..... keep visiting this page for the additions....
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Epilogue

We were sitting on a bench in the park. Complete silence surrounded us. . It was comparable to the uneasiness experienced at the twilight during dusk I asked her why she was leaving me. I wanted to know why was the element of misfortune was thrust between us. She was impatient and restless. Her answer still continues to negatively haunt me. The voice and words are still afresh. “Tum se pyar kia yeh meri sab se badi galati thi, Kyu aaye tum mere zindagi mei?” was her rude reply, rather a rude question. I was speechless. It was the first time that anyone had expressed their hatred for me. It was a nightmare turned reality. I wanted to kill myself to escape facing the scenario further. I held her close to me, I could feel her breath, and staring directly at her arrogant eyes I was completely lost in the past. I drew my face closer to hers. I couldn’t stop myself and slapped her angrily. I was feeling that even she was feeling relieved at that moment. With closed eyes we desperately tried to shrug off our past and each other, it was difficult to separate our wretched souls, and finally when we did, we realized that the fabled magical duration called the “First love” was a history in our life. “I hate you”, I shouted, her voice echoed mine with an additional “too”. It was and would remain the worst moment in my life.

Did I ever tell you....

When the times were scary
and the path so fiery...
when you clutched my hands
to cross the troubled lands..
Did I ever tell you ...How much I care for you..?

The frightening darkness,
which engulfed you in its vastness...
me desperately groping for your presence
for you were my life's very essence..
Did I ever tell you...How much I fear for you..?

Your soothing everlasting smiles
kept me going on and on for miles.
But that thought of a small tear..
and I'd simply freeze full of fear..
Did I ever tell you...How much I feel for you..?

All said and all done..
please realize it wasn't just for fun
I lead you out of your internal strife
in this beautiful journey called life..
Did I ever tell you...How much I love you..?

My Friends...My people : Part II

As promised....here I come up with my rendezvous with Axy Mukku,Paryaa...Nago..Anna..Ani..Maulik..Sreekaa, Vicky and last but not the least Coolbeer

Axy the Axer

(saalaa sab mushkilon ko kaat koot ke rakh degaa...)

If there was one person I truly believed, could match me in all respects was this guy....Axy.

Meet Er Akshay Ghonge...he is a khandaani engineer following the profession of his dad and grand dad...and so the prefix "Er". Tough...tougher toughest....these are the only words i feel will, would describe this Maverick. We both felt the heat and wrath of the great Nagpur University...and he with his unshakable commitment and sheer grit could overcome the hurdles a bit quicker than me. When I really needed someone to help me rationalize my thoughts, he used to be with me.

We all, JK, Axy. Mukku, Parya and me of course were the 'Famous Five' of our college. we fought, we argued, we wept, we smiled. Though distances have torn us apart, yet we still live together in each others mind and hearts.

Had really fun time with Axy and KK during our so calld project at Vizag Steel Plant and also the wonderful weekend biryanis with him and Gondu in Hyderabad during Axy's posting in Infy.

Bro you were always my synonym for hard work and determination... tere liye to jaan haazir hai dost !!!!

Of Dreams and Realizations…

“No”, he told himself…enough was enough. He knew she was not interested in him and the message was clearly delivered to him each time he had approached her.

He distinctly remembered the day, a couple of years ago, when he had first proposed her through a common friend and how bluntly he was delivered the answer. For her he was just a ‘friend’, nothing more. Days passed, and though she had given her verdict, she could not keep herself away from him albeit she ensured that the key word still remained ‘friend’. Her smiles warm behavior and jovial chats with him often confused him on whether she had a change of mind. She seemed to be getting closer to him now than before. This continued behavior from her side led him to approach her again…yet …the answer remained the same.

He recollected numerous arguments the had over the matter…some minor..Some major. He remembered those very lengthy durations of a day or two when they refused to see eye to an eye and almost each time it was she who blinked first…but he still was a friend for her. He honestly believed that he was not wrong in dreaming a life with her. He also sincerely found himself not unworthy of her. For him she was the ultimate person who could fit the image of a perfect life partner to the ‘T’. She was made for him he thought. Everything else was fine, his parents liked her..Her parents had a high regard for him. Even she thought of him as highly caring and quite nice. Everything pleasant except for her indifference over the matter, which mattered the most. Many times he thought of avoiding her and in fact had carefully implemented it, but a simple,” Why are you not talking to me?”, from her reverted his stance forcing him to do a ‘U’ turn.

But now, he thought it was time to settle the matter for once and for all. It was clear that she wasn’t interested so why should he care for her? After all not all dreams come true, not everything under the sky is possible or achievable no matter how sincerely or honestly aimed for. He tried hard to make up his mind never ever to think of her. He tried hard to counter the storm which was raging up in his mind when the mobile besides him gave a beep . It was a SMS from one of his pals and read..

“When you find a dream inside your heart don’t ever let it go….for dreams are tiny seeds from which beautiful tomorrows grow”
Indeed the storm in his mind blew over.

The time...with you.

The time I spend with you..

the moments which are but few

when I wait for you to speak

and feel like kissing your cheek

our cruise through the unexplored locations...

the walk together in the dreamy vacations..

when however close we are..

the distance still seems too far

the thought of being one with you

you know well is not so new..

you say its time to leave

and put me across a sieve

please stay back for some more time

I know I say this everytime...

I just cant get enough of you..

the moments though...still seem few.

...and I was waiting again.

And I was waiting again..
wasn't sure of a loss or a gain.
Never knew what was in store...
for life is oppurtunities galore.
Some were missed, some caught...
overall it was a battle well fought.
And then came the end of the day..
and I had but nothing to say.
Irrespective of my notion..
I was still in the same position
I hoped I wasn't insane..
when the next day I started to wait again.

My Girl Friends and the lessons I learnt....

Abstract:

The first one made me realize I wasn't immune to love..

The second one taught me that I had the capability to fall in love again....

The third made me realize the need of a stepney !!!!! ha ha ha

Details follow shortly....keep visiting this page.

Times...Past...Present

I sat back and saw my past..
Gosh !!........... it was so vast

There were times when I cried..
when actually I should have tried

Times when I had clenched my fist
when I had to clear my mind's mist

The obstacles I used to fear...
the path which I thought was not clear...

of destinations no way near
the thought accompanied by tear

The dilemma of wrong or right
was the only thing in my sight

leaving me totally confused
dreading to tread the unused

It was then you helped me to wade
when the darkness almost had its raid

I started sensing the light
so far which escaped my sight

you taught me to change
and enhance my range

Like a brave Knight
I withstood with all my might

and lo..here I am in my present..
raring to grow like a crescent

I realized I had overcome my past
and by your grace escaped being lost.

About Me...

Thieves like MONEY
Bees like HONEY...
I'm liked by everyone....
Coz I am PHANEE...

Be my side...

My position is tight
whenever u fight
I know you are always right
but that's something out of my sight...

When you aren't with me nothing seems right,
your presence besides me makes things light
letting my heart fly ..just like a kite.

Love to have a dinner with you every night
but experience says I'll lose appetite.

Leave me never even if u might
coz ...the thought make me shrill with fright.

I think of you...

It pains...whenever it rains...

The days were full of pain,
When I searched for you in vain..
Life was never the same,
with me minus your name...

You Slipped away like an eel..
Never thought how I would feel,
Shattering my heart ..
like a marksman's dart..
Striking exactly where it pains..
and this memory flashes whenever it rains.

Losing you was my biggest fear..
I still wish you were near.
But then there is a dawn of reality..
which is life and its fraility..
I feel the shot of thousand striking canes..
and this memory flashes whenever it rains.

I'll change....

Cleaning my room's floor
She gave me a loud roar
Lost in a movie full of thrill,
I wasn't moved nor did I shrill.
Her repeated tantrums
Failed to pierce my ear drums....

"How could you be so mean...?
Can’t you keep your room clean?
All the day u see me toil
Yet u play my perfect foil"

"I know ma, I’m a bit lazy
But by no means am I crazy...
I know u work very hard,
While I gallop around like a lord.
My acts I am aware are very silly,
But how I wish I could change so easily"


"But I'll change, I promise
And give my lethargy a miss
From my responsibilities never shall I run...
And will again stand up to be your proud son"

"Pardon me mom for one last time...
Meanwhile can u get me a glass of lime???????"

My Friends...My People..

Well the other day one of my aquaintance quipped..."why the hell on earth do u come up with something which disturbs ur mind even after shutting down the url...don't u have some interesting stuff to share...?" Well that was a valid question indeed....so i started thinking what exactly can I produce, which would be interesting as well as soul searching... Thanks Aniket for helping me to get my answers... and here I go .. describing my journey in life so far in the most wonderful company of some really interesting people whom I call ..... "MY FRIENDS...MY PEOPLE" ..... To be fair I never classify my friends as just friends...close friends...n best friends... I just have Friends wo are THE BEST....and hence automatically they can be termed as My Best ones... I mentioned this coz many people tend to give preference to the order of mention...and most of the time The first being the Best.... To negate the existance of this notion...I start with the order in which I met each of them.... I reiterate...all those mentioned below are equally close to me... its just that i mentioning them in the order of my meeting with them...

1) Chinnu.... the chimp
(Saalaa hamesha Bandar ke harkate kartaa rehtaa tha ...!!!!!!!!)







They say that u cannot choose ur relatives...but u can choose ur friends... I followed this quote aptly...I was always choosy about my friends... and the very first to enter this bracket was Mr. M. Shyamakrishna...or "CHINNU" for me.. (Chinnu in Telugu is an affectionate word which means the younger one).I first met him somewhere around 1986.. Chinnu and me were of the same age group...he was just 19 days older to me (a fact which he continues to brag about claiming his seniority ha ha ) Our parents were family friends and so naturally when Dad was transferred from Patna to Nagpur, their's was the family who helped us in the initial days.. We were in different schools but stayed in the same neighbourhood.. He was a born rebel.... I used to find it interesting when he used to fight with everyone under the sun whenever he thought he was being wronged... this included his parents too.... Was a very sharp student..but unfortunately these never got converted into the progress reports (Hell...I hated that death word...and the feeling continues....though its called Apprisals now... ) Fearless to the core... his most used phrase.. "phodne ka hai"...which means lets blast it out still remains my war cry whenever I feel I am being cornered...

Things became worse as he grew up...he family was down with severe financial and physcological crisis... his performance in junior college was pathetic just managing to scrap thru the subjects...and for most of the world.. he was someone who had a spark..but who couldn't ignite anything....or so they felt untill....
Chinnu now has two Masters (MCA and MSc ) besides his name and is currently doing his third Masters in Computers in Sweden....his family bravely fought their way out of the struggles and the story continues happily...
I admire Chinnu for his fighting spirit... really...Others were others...he was he... for me he was the apt example for Heroism...which they say is the endurance to last a moment more.Thanks Chinnu for imbibing these in me...

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2) Sam...the Saint

(Saalaa hamesh Life ke baare mei.. philosophy jhaadtaa rehtaa tha)

Its said that a man is known by the company he keeps....How true !! partucularly during teenages when you easily get swayed away by things which you are supposed to be away from. Cometh the moment..cometh the man. In 1995, our family moved to Nanded, and stayed for nearly 4 years before moving back to Nagpur. I got admission in a school called GMVV (Gyan Mata Vidya Vihar...a missionary school). I owe a lot to this school for my current personality...and for the lifelong guide it gifted me by name Mr. Samar Kharwadkar or "SAM" for me...

In school I first heard of Sam when I as a newcomer in the school was cautioned by my classmates to stay away from one "Samar"...its but natural that you always tend to do things which you are advised against...particularly when the advices come from people of ur own age group. We got a house in the same colony in which Sam stayed, so it was natural for us to meet at the bus stop enroute to school... believe me...I was attracted towards this right from day one...and I can proudly say that I am Sam's Best buddy. I cant completely describe abt Sam's personal life...as I feel it would be wrong..but one thing...anyone else in his position would have ceased to exist. He survived for a simple reason that he was SAMAR. Having lost both his parents at an early age, he was left to fend for himself surrounded by relatives for whom I have no good words.. ..Here's one interesting anecdote.... Its customary in Maharashtra to offer Saunf and betelnuts whn a guest leaves....my mom once offered the same to Sam and his reply..."Saunf se supari...supari se Cigerette..cigerette se Daaru...aur daaru se ladki...." He was but 14 yrs at that time... These words were itched in my mind... and till date..I am neither a smoker nor do I drink.

This dude of mine is perfect at every art known to me .....sirf us se ladkiyaan nahi pati aaj tak... No probs Sam...hum kis din kaam aayenge...will ensure that u learn this from me !!!!

Thanks Sam for everything you taught me... and for everything I am going to learn from you in days to come...

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3) JK....The Juggler
(Saalaa hameshaa kisi na kisi maamle me jhugaad kartaa rehtaa hai)

Now its the turn of the most wierd creature which exists on Planet Earth... "JK" or Mr. Jaideep Kshirsagar for you...
I first met JK during my junior college...we were neighbours and I was totally unaware of the fact that this guy was of the same age group as I was...infact we were i the same class albiet different colleges. My ignorance was partly coz of his hefty personality and constant cricket (12 std students were expected to be bookworms in Maharashtra...I was like that ).. I remember JK and his group giving me awakward snares while I interrupted thier game of gully Cricket while walking towards my home....and the first time I ever spoke to him was during my engineering councelling when I found him sitting besided me..I casually greeted him mentioning that I was his neighbour...(I was for the past 1 year)...and asked him for whose admission he had come.... It was than that the fact that he was my compatriot (!!!!!!!)... we had the same group percentage and hence landed up in the same college (Priyadarshini college of Engineering & Arch, Nagpur) along with one more Stud by name PARYAA..(iskaa introduction bhi hone waalaa hai)...may that was the last time I was happy... coz.... the comming 4 years I spent with him... I was... hmmm... yeah... I WAS THE HAPPIEST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! copying Bryan Adams ...all I can say is those were the best days of my life....
My benchmate all 4 yrs...we rockked everywhere.....I am going 2 dedicate a seperate post for this guy. His mere presence was enough to trickle tears of laughter.... but as days passed I also learnt how hard it was being JK. I could very well compare this fellow with a swan....naah he wasn't that fair...I call him so coz he looked so calm and composed but underneath he was always working hard to put up great totals....a great fighter. Made his fortune from scratch...A man of his word...
Now happily engaged to his sweetheart...I am eagerly awaiting his marriage this April...
Dude....thanks for everything...life wouldn't have been the same had I not met u...

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4) Gondu...the Ginger

(Saalaa ye ginger kahaan se aagayaa bhai ?????)

Hey...Chinnu the chimp was ok....Sam the saint was understandable....but whats this Gondu the Ginger... it isnt fair to murder english just coz u wanted a word to start from "G" ....calm down calm down... I have my reasons to use the word Ginger... Whats Ginger...its a spice... whats a cup of tea without the presence of this spice.... The guy I am going to describe now is just the same... If I can equate my life to a cup of tea (I will get back with reasons abt why I say say so... anyways Tea also happens to by fav drink...) He was that piece of ginger in it...he added spice to my life...

Circa 2000...Phaneendra joins an Engineering College.. (I wont mention anything abt my college or the activities here as I already have an idea of a mighty..lengthy...and flithy (truly..!!!) blog in my mind which I am going to come up with shortly...

Now getting back to the point... its here that I came across probably the most wonderful person I ever met...(I bet...I may not come across such a person not only in this life but also the coming 6lives too).. meet Mr. P. Govindu Reddy.....or just "GONDU" for all of his friends ..me included.. (its another thing that we ocassionally replaced the "o" with an "a"....no foul language intended...but that's the fact ha ha )

I met Govind toward the end of my Ist year during a College annual function. You can say it was a friendship at first sight. He was a Telugu just like me...but a different one.. expert dancer..comedian..and a great human being...I still regret that I took such a long time to meet him (partly coz we were in different branches...me in Industrial Electronics, he was in Electrical)...

I can go on and on and on speaking about this chap...but I have decided to dedicate a complete post for him. So to just summerize things... I learnt the art of laughing off failures and obstacles from him. Had it not been for him....I would have been a loser..probably lying in some dark corner shying away from everyone... trying to hide myself from this world. You are wrong bro wen u say that I am ur Guru...infact its the other way round..

Thanks a lot for teaching me a sentence called... "Jo hoga dekha jayega...apun ko jo karnaa hai wo karne kaa hai bas" and lo...here I am...a person who fears no fear...and all the credit to u my friend.

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5) KK...the King

(Saalaa ye to hum sab ke dilon kaa Raajaa tha..hai..aur rahegaa..)

If my school gifted me Sam...my college gave me "KK"......meet Mr. Krishna Kumar Sure..... If I admire any person the most...even more than myself ..its him...(i confess here that i am suffering from accute narcissism...its another thing that I enjoy it).I wish if I had even a tenth of the qualities which KK personifies. He is my friend philosopher and guide... level headed...the most striking feature is his beautiful heart which can hurt no one... He has everything he wants under the sun... except for a term called "Enemy".
Troubled times...and I have KK to bail me out...I call him KK the Great.

I have had the previlage to be his friend..i enjoy the hospitality of his family whenever I am in Nagpur......the biriyani at ur home rockks dude... People like him are rare and I thank God for providing me an oppurtunity to rub shoulders with him...

If there is one person who i want to be like its him....ideal son..brother...student...friend..and above all an ideal human being.

KK... hats off to u dude... I count on u ...

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hey dont go away....comming up shortly Axy..Paryaa...Nago..Anna..Ani..Maulik..Sreekaa, Vicky and last but not the least Coolbeer... stay tuned... till then enjoy few pics below....

me n JK....no no no we aren't drunk....just trying to enact like one.. ha ha ..

Gondu, KK & Me...

One of those rare occasions when all three were together after engineering days....miss u guys :(





From L-R....Me ..Anna ...Gondu and Vabby
This was our regular hangout place in our college...the pic was taken when we visited our alma mater on the occasion of NAGO's marriage....

My defination of Love....

My definition of love...is different from the book
my definition of love is more than just a look
love is more than a wordmore than a song, more than a note
love is more than a poemmore than anything i've wrote
love is reaching out to touch someoneto be sure that they're there
love is leaning in to kiss someone
to remind them that you care
love is looking her in the eyesand whispering in her ears
love is cuddling when she cries
and catching all her tears
love is the warmth shared between hugs
when everything else is cold
love is knowing they'll still be there
when everything else is old
love is hearts beating faster and faster
while everything else is slowed down
love is singing sweet songs to her
even if hundreds are around
love is driving through the rain
to help someone through tough times
love is me wishing that you'll love me too
wishing you'd be mine
love isn't just holding hands
love is holding hearts
love isn't where it ends....love is where it starts...

too good

You’re my sunshine after the rain You’re the cure against my fear and my pain ‘Cause I’m losing my mind When you’re not around It’s all... it’s all... It’s all because of you You’re my sunshine Oh yeah... Baby I really know by now Since we met that day You showed me the way I felt it then you gave me love I can’t describe How much I feel for you I said baby I should have known by now Should have been right there Whenever you needed loveAnd if only you were here I’d tell you, yes I’d tell you How much i love you..Honestly, could it be you and me Like it was before Neither less or more 'Cause when I close my eyes At night I realize that no one else Could ever take your place I love you....