Life goes on and on............

"Karthik, dinner's ready." My mom called out while I was listening to MySacrifice by Creed on Radio City. She came near and in a low voice said, "Itold your dad about it." I felt like a 10,000 volt stupor hit me! "What?" Iwas flabbergasted, "Ma, I wanted to tell him myself. I had it all plannedout. You've just.god! You women kind can never keep secrets, can you? Ok,what did he say?" I asked anxiously. "He said nothing. Probably he wouldn'teven talk to you about it until you start." I knew it was going to be a badnight. Heated arguments, sentimental issues, guilt pricking and unwantedtensions; we had had none of these in our house. But I saw it all comingdown in one night.At the dinner table:It took me sometime to come out of my bedroom, for the dinner table seemedlike a battle ground to me! My hunger died with the very thought of talkingto my dad. But I knew I couldn't escape it and I had to face this some dayor the other. My dad sat next to me. I gulped the air that was stuck in mythroat and with head bent down I had my eyes fixed on my plate. Even afterfive minutes, daddy spoke nothing! So I gathered up all my courage to breakthe ice, "Appa, I wanted to tell it myself. I was actually..." "What's hername?" he cut me without looking at my face. "Simi" I answered, "Simi JacobThomas." There was a smile on his face. "Bring her home tomorrow evening",he said. It made me smile too, for I felt glad to hear something like thatwhile I expected a huge argument to spurt out. None of us spoke anythingelse that night. It turned out to be a total anti-climax of what I hadimagined! I got back to my room after dinner, but couldn't sleep for mostpart of the night since I was dreaming with open eyes about the day that wasto come the next morning!The day did come:The day did come; probably one of the most important days of my life. I toldSimi that my dad wanted to meet her and also that he wasn't fussed up oranything like that and instead smiled about it. Simi didn't know what totell, she too was very happy I thought. A year and a half of our secretrelationship, a secret known to the world but hidden to our parents, wasabout to pay off. So, on that day, we just didn't care about whether we hadcompleted our work or not. We left office at 4.30 in the evening, just tomake sure that we don't get stuck in that dreaded Hosur road traffic. Simileft her car parked in the office itself and we both went in my car. Thatwasn't the first time I had driven with Simi in my Honda City, but somehow,all along the way home, my dreaming about the car being decorated withflowers and a big "Just Married" sign on a heart shaped board, made thatride very special to me!We reached home by quarter past five. Summer time; my dad was sitting on theswing in the lawn, reading a newspaper. He got up as he saw us coming."Namaste Uncle", Simi said folding her hands. My dad smiled back. "Hello,nice to meet you", he greeted her, "come, let's go inside", he took us in.My mom was watching tv in the hall and as we entered she got up from thesofa and switched off the tv. "Get something", my dad said to my mom andwithin minutes a lot of things were ready on the tea table. "Please have it"my dad said and we both started munching. "Aunty, I really like this. Kaduburight? Karthik gives me every time you send it in his lunch box. In fact,I've eaten almost every dish that you cook. You really cook very nicelyaunty." Simi said looking at my mom. My mom just smiled back as a thank youto Simi's compliments.Setting the stage!"Sorry child, I forgot your name." My dad said. Simi was busy eating, butshe'd heard it. "Uh? Uncle? Simi. My name is Simi", she replied. "Aaah! SimiJacob Thomas, right?" My dad asked. "Yes", Simi replied and looked at myface with her eyebrows slightly raised. I did nothing else but show myteeth. There was a wide smile on my dad's face too. "What?" I asked him."Karthik Subramanya Shastry weds Simi Jacob Thomas, somehow sounds veryfunny to me", he said. The smile on my face slowly reduced in width andfinally when I saw the expression on Simi's face change as she took a biteof the kadubu, my smile completely died out. My dad was quick to react. Helooked at Simi and said, "Oh please don't feel offended. I don't mean tohurt you. But child, I'm going to ask you a few questions and also tell yousome things over which you'll need to think calmly." Uh oh! Something'scoming! I told myself. Simi seemed to have heard what I'd just said insilence. She kept the half bitten kadubu back on the plate.The talk!"Simi. Since how long do you know Karthik?" My dad started shooting."About a year and a half" Simi replied."Do you think that's enough to know him?""I guess so. Yes. That's quite enough." Simi nodded her head up and down."Hmm...Tell me one thing, do your parents know about this?""No uncle. I was about to tell them; after we took your permission.""And how did you assume that I will say 'yes'?" My dad was still smiling.But the expression on our faces had taken a U-turn from extreme bliss tototal awe by now! Although both of us knew that we would have to face ourparents' opposition, the way my dad had reacted since the night before hadsprung up some positive thoughts in both of us. So this was a bit of a shockindeed."Simi, Simi. My dear child. I know most of what I tell you will make youfeel like not listening to me. I just want you both to have the best and Iknow very well that it will not be so if you happen to marry." Our faces nowlooked like the sad emoticon that we use in our Office Communicator. But mydad continued :-("Where do your parents stay?""Kozhikode, Kerala.""What does your father do?""He retired as a Branch Manager in SBI last month. Now he serves as anevangelist at a church nearby"."How many siblings do you have?""We are four. I have a brother and two sisters.""You must be the youngest", my dad was bang on!"Yes", Simi replied, a little surprised. I knew, like me, she too wanted toknow how on earth he got that!"I pity your poor dad. He seems to be a pious man. If I, being the father ofthe boy, feel so sad about this whole thing, I can imagine how much painthat man will go through." My dad let out a long sigh. Somehow the things hespoke started to get on my nerves and I thought I had to do some talking."What's wrong with this dad? I don't understand why you people should beworried. Simi and I like each other, we understand each other very well, weboth have good jobs in hand, what else do we need?""I was waiting for you to open your mouth", my dad said in a sarcastic tone."See. You are talking only about you both; that you like each other, thatyou have good jobs. Then, tell me honestly, when you have decided abouteverything, why do you need my permission, or even her parents' permission?You can as well marry and later just inform us, right? If you feel that youwill anyways go ahead no matter what, then I see no point in discussing thisanymore." My dad stood up."No uncle", Simi interrupted, "I want to listen to you." I looked at Simiwith an evident frown on my face. "Please, let us talk about it. I too wantto know what you feel about this." She requested my dad. But I wasn't keenon listening. I just sat with my face turned away, staring at the door.My dad sat down. "Simi, marriage is not a child's play dear. At least in oursociety, it's not centered just around two people. If you had, for at leastonce, thought practically about your relationship, you wouldn't have carriedit so far. You both are in love and that will make you think you can getalong anything that comes your way. Child, married life in itself hasthousand and one problems. You have to make sure that you don't invite moreproblems just by taking a hasty decision."The first thing is, I'm more than a hundred percent sure that your familywill not whole heartedly accept my son as their son-in-law and after thismarriage, believe me, your relationship with your parents and siblings willnever be the same. Even if they come to accept it at a later point of time,they will just be pretending. Some relationships if broken, take a long timeto patch up and if they had been very close, it takes a lifetime. Coming outof home and living a life of your own sounds very good like in movies andstories, but the truth is, you cannot stay away from your parents forever;at least not until they are alive."Simi was listening without blinking her eyes. "After that, come yourindividual dogmas. You know, his mother celebrates at home, almost everyfestival that's listed on the almanac. She will feel uncomfortable to letyou around and get you involved. Even if she and you get along aftersometime, I will guarantee, it will be limited to our house alone. You willnever be invited to any function that will happen in our relatives' homes.At first, you might feel ok about it. But when Karthik will feel the pinchin his heart to know the fact that his wife is not welcomed in hisrelatives' places and because of that he too cannot attend those so very funfilled family gatherings that he was always a part of, he too will start torepent."Then there are your food habits. You are a meat eater and my son is a purevegetarian, well at least I think so. But I don't know if he has startedthat too."Simi was already feeling guilty I guess. "No, he doesn't eat. But I havestopped", she said."See. You have lost a part of yourself. You know, for your love to carry onwith the same fervor forever, you should accept the person you love as he orshe is, without being directly or indirectly forced to change for the sakeof love. In my opinion, that's true love and everything else is just acompromise. You have given up eating meat, good; but every time you comeacross that, you'll always be tempted. It's perfectly ok and it's becauseyou have been brought up in such a culture where it is almost compulsory toeat meat, whereas my son has grown up amongst people who dislike even thesight and smell of it."And then, you both are connected by English, a language that's not themother tongue of either of you. I am not telling it's a bad language, butyou know, it is always the mother tongue that gives you the personal touch,the closer-to-heart feeling while you talk to your, be it husband or anyother person. Don't tell me that love knows no language; it is all theoryand is only good for the books. The day you see a couple in love talking inyour language and having those sweet little verbal fights or name-calling,in words that you can best express only in a language that is closer to yourheart, you will know what you are missing.Simi was static. "Next thing is about your kids. My mother used to tell me aproverb in Kannada - Appa amma eradu daari aadare, makkaLu naaku daarianthe, meaning If the father and mother go in two directions, their childrenwill go in four. I don't know if I've put it correctly in English but I hopeyou've understood it. Forget your kids, you yourself will not be able totell them whether they have to go to the church or the temple, to be avegetarian or a non-vegetarian, to speak Malayalam or Kannada and many suchthings. Finally they end up growing in a big confusion about their language,their God, their culture and everything about themselves. They might evensomeday curse you for landing them in such a situation. You might say thatthey will choose the best of both cultures. But that can happen only afterthey have matured enough to take decisions on their own. But again, I betthey will not be able to do that too since they wouldn't have gained acomplete understanding of either of those."Deep down inside, you feel that you are doing something wrong and that'swhat has kept you from telling your parents or else you would have told iton day one that you like this guy and might as well marry him. But you feelyour parents might be hurt if you do that because you know very well thatthey can never see him as the right guy for you and from my point of viewtoo, he's not. Trust me, even your parents wouldn't deny if you can prove itto them that he is the right person, but in this case, you'll not be able todo that! I just guessed that you must be the youngest because if you hadsomebody younger to you, a sense of guilt which makes you feel that youmight just be setting a bad example to the younger ones, would have stoppedyou from thinking about Karthik as your life partner. But again good and baddepends entirely on your perspective and for youngsters like you, it ismostly influenced by your friends outside rather than the people at home.Looks like he's not gonna stop until she walks out, I thought, still lookingaway. I did not interrupt only because Simi had stopped me from it. Youasked for it Simi. Now you have it. I wasn't anymore interested indisturbing her."I too feel that I've slipped somewhere. If only I had talked about all suchthings to my son a long time back, he would have been more careful inchoosing his life partner. But I never realized that he had grown up so muchand today I feel I'm paying for my mistake. You know, you should make yourchildren do what you feel is right until they turn 16. Then on, till 30, youshould just tell them what they should do and let them do what they feel isright and after 30 there's no use of telling too. So now, I'll only have togive my suggestion and heeding to it or discarding it, is left to you both."I know that a lot of people of your age fear arranged marriages these daysand that fear is because you feel you don't know that person properly. Butthen, why do you think we have the concept of engagement. Get engaged beforeat least six months of marriage and you can get to know each other fairlyduring that period. If you don't think it will work out, you have lostnothing, right? Now if it doesn't work out once, it's never that you willnot find someone better. You'll always do and sometimes you will realize itafter you get married to someone who you then thought was the best! In caseyou love somebody with whom everybody around you and especially your parentswill be comfortable with, engagement is just a formality."Anyways, I can already see from his face that he is not very happy tolisten to me. So let's finish it off. But a sincere request from my side -before you listen to what your heart says, just give a chance to your brainto think about it." My dad finally finished his lecture!Nobody spoke for a moment. Finally Simi broke her silence, "Uncle, now Irealize why it is important to discuss with elders. No doubt, I had neverthought about many things that you told now. Please give me some time. Iwill definitely think about it. Thank you very much for letting me know yourpoint of view", she said and stood up. Oh Mistress of assertiveness skills,you forgot to paraphrase - I wanted to tell loudly but somehow controlledmyself."Sure dear. I know it's not easy. Take your time. And thanks. I'm happy thatat least you said you will think about it. God bless you", my dad blessedher as Simi touched his feet before leaving."Karthik", he looked at me and said, "go drop her till home and come back."Sigh! Don't worry. I'll not run away with her.And then, it was evident..Simi did not speak to me for some days in the office. I had sort ofunderstood what she wanted to convey. My dad had brainwashed her. If only Ihad never let her talk to my dad I thought. But Simi was anytime more maturethan me. She had taken time not only to think about it but also to speakwith her parents; and the story on the other side was no different. Luckily,I did not get an invitation from her father to talk to him! Finally Simitold me, what is usually told by girls, that we would be better off asfriends rather than being a husband and wife. But it was really difficultfor me to look at her as "just a friend". Fortunately I got an onsiteassignment at that time which kept me away from her for almost 10 months. Isomehow managed to get over the gloom during that period. It was only afterthat I realized my dad too was right in a way. True. At least sometimes inlife, you got to listen to your elders.Today, Simi and I are married; to different people of course, and the bestpart is that we both have found very good friends as our life partners.Instead of whining over what could not happen, we have just moved on with somany other beautiful things that actually happened and of course, we aremore than satisfied with whatever we have in our lives. It's like they say,"if it had been any better, it would be a sin" ;-)That's it!

"This too will pass....!!!"

This one from my collection......Here is a story, thought provoking one, which must be remembered by
ALL OF US at all the times.

Once a king called upon all of his wise men and asked them,

" Is there a mantra or suggestion which works in every situation, in
every circumstances, in every place and in every time. Something which
can help me when none of you is available to advise me. Tell me is
there any mantra?"

All wise men got puzzled by King's question. One answer for all
question? Something that works everywhere, in every situation? In
every joy, every sorrow, every defeat and every victory? They thought
and thought. After a lengthy discussion, an old man suggested
something which appeal to all of them. They went to king and gave him
something written on paper. But the condition was that king was not to
see it out of curiosity. Only in extreme danger, when the King finds
himself alone and there seems to be no way, only then he'll have to
see it. The King put the papers under his Diamond ring.

After a few days, the neighbors attack the Kingdom. It was a
collective surprise attack of King's enemies. King and his army fought
bravely but lost the battle. King had to fled on his horse. The
enemies were following him. His horse took him far away in Jungle. He
could hear many troops of horses were following him and the noise was
coming closer and closer. Suddenly the King found himself standing in
the end of the road - that road was not going anywhere. Underneath
there was a rocky valley thousand feet deep. If he jumped into it, he
would be finished...and he could not return because it was a small
road...From back the sound of enemy's horses was approaching fast. King
became restless. There seemed to be no way.

Then suddenly he saw the Diamond in his ring shining in the sun, and
he remembered the message hidden in the ring. He opened the diamond
and read the message. The message was very small but very great.

The message was - " This too will pass."

The King read it . Again read it. Suddenly something strike in his
mind- Yes ! it too will pass. Only a few days ago, I was enjoying my
kingdom. I was the mightiest of all the Kings. Yet today, the Kingdom
and all his pleasure have gone. I am here trying to escape from
enemies. However when those days of luxuries have gone, this day of
danger too will pass. A calm come on his face. He kept standing there.
The place where he was standing was full of natural beauty. He had
never known that such a beautiful place was also a part of his
Kingdom. The revelation of message had a great effect on him. He
relaxed and forget about those following him. After a few minute he
realized that the noise of the horses and the enemy coming was
receding. They moved into some other part of the mountains and were
not on that path.

The King was very brave. He reorganized his army and fought again. He
defeated the enemy and regain his lost empire. When he returned to his
empire after victory, he was received with much fan fare at the door.
The whole capital was rejoicing in the victory. Everyone was in a
festive mood. Flowers were being thrown on King from every house, from
every corner. People were dancing and singing. For a moment King said
to himself," I am one of the bravest and greatest King. It is not easy
to defeat me.: With all the reception and celebration he saw an ego
emerging in him.

Suddenly the Diamond of his ring flashed in the sunlight and reminded
him of the message. He open it and read it again: "This too will pass"

He became silent. His face went through a total change -from the
egoist he moved to a state of utter humbleness.

If this too is going to pass, it is not yours.
The defeat was not yours, the victory is not yours.
You are just a watcher. Everything passes by

We are witness of all this. We are the perceiver. Life come and go.
Happiness come and go. Sorrow come and go.

Now as you have read this story, just sit silently and evaluate your
own life. This too will pass. Think of the moments of joy and victory
in your life. Think of the moment of Sorrow and defeat. Are they
permanent ? They all come and pass away. Life just passes away.
There is nothing permanent in this world. Everything changes except
the law of change. Think over it from your own perspective. You have
seen all the changes. You have survived all setbacks , all defeats and
all sorrows. All have passed away. The problems in the present, they
too will pass away. Because nothing remains forever. Joy and sorrow
are the two faces of the same coin. They both will pass away.

You are just a witness of change. Experience it, understand it. and
enjoy the present moment.

Thus spake Swami Vivekananda.....

"Many times I have been in the jaws of death, starving, footsore, and weary; for days and days I had no food, and often could walk no farther; I would sink down under a tree, and life would seem to be ebbing away. I could not speak, I could scarcely think, but at last the mind reverted to the idea: "I have no fear nor death; never was I born, never did I die; I never hunger or thirst. I am It! I am It! The whole of nature cannot crush me; it is my servant. Assert thy strength, thou Lord of lords and God of gods! Regain thy lost empire! Arise and walk and stop not!" And I would rise up, reinvigorated; and here I am today, living! Thus, whenever darkness comes, assert the reality and everything adverse must vanish. For after all, it is but a dream. Mountain-high though the difficulties appear, terrible and gloomy though all things seem, they are but Maya. Fear not, and it is banished. Crush it, and it vanishes. Stamp upon it, and it dies."

Abode of 'Problems & Solutions'

Someone once quipped..."Every problem is born with a solution, if no solution whatsoever is visible, it simply means that its not a problem at all"
How true....ever wondered from where problems come from? No they do not get imported from some distant heaven or hell but are a part of our own junk of creations. You can't totally avoid or ignore them but for sure you can solve them. Most of the times its the apprehension or the magnified image created in our mind which makes us believe abt the existance of a non existant gargantuan monster called 'PROBLEM'.
Always believe in solving the problem from a third person's point of view.Imagine that an aquaintance drops in and mentions that he is struck. He goes on describing his misfortune while you are curiously waiting to know the reason (read problem) for that. Once he comes up with the problem, u'll find a plethora of solutions in guise of thoughts revolving around your mind just like rings around Saturn. You tend to ponder as to why this person is creating a mountain of a mole hill when the solutions are so clear. The reason is again the same...."No problem can ever be solved by being a part of it."
Imagine as if you are travelling in a car and all of a sudden the car breaks down. Say you have to push the car to a nearby mechanic. Now how are you going to do this? Would you push the car being inside it or would you come out and then try the same. Obviously by coming out of it. Now try corelating this from the perception of a problem. Lets say the car is our problem. and the solution is to push it aside. Would a person ever be successful if he tries to push this car by being inside it??? No matter the amount of force he applies the status quo would still be maintained. And if he comes out and tries the same, it wont be suprising that he would be able to move it with much lesser strain.

Moral of the story : No problem can ever be solved by being a part of it.


Think about it....

Understanding 'Wants'

How often do we attempt to understand what we actually want? Remember…as children we used to cry for toys which weren’t in our possession, we used to shed our tears for the unfulfilled promises made to us and also for the dashed hopes. At a later point in life when we look back and recollect those instances we tend to laugh at ourselves for having cried for a so called trifle issue. What we fail to realize is that even at that juncture we are still crying over something which we carve for and it’s almost sure that we would be laughing over it in near future for the amount of seriousness we gave to the issue in its present. Try giving it a thought…..

The Journey begins afresh.....

I was sure I knew myself....infact I thought I was the only person who knew what I am...but then came a mighty wind and blew off the veil of ignorance from my mind...now I am a traveller..trodding a path unique to each individual...a path of self realization... Funny though it seems travelling from a juncture wherin u feel everything is simplified...everything is 'perfect' ..to a place which involves destroying all such myths...moving towards a place highly complex...highly confusing...yet highly satisfying as u feel proud of yourself of having not lied to your own self about what you feel you are...that is what my destination seems to be as of now...I say so coz even I am not sure how far I am going to tread this path...may be few moments hence I will stop and again get back to that unreal, false & illusionary point from where I started...but I hope I do not do so...I hope... My destination is that milestone where even though the entire universe may seem hazy and foggy...yet for me, my mind be clear and soul be pure... the journey hopefully continues till then....

Peace....where do I find it..?

Where can I get peace
is it avalable for lease??
Is it in trying to smile
when you are away from it by a mile??
Is it in giving....
when you feel like retaining
Is it showing that you are wise
when you know that you are otherwise
I always wanted peace
and enjoy its smooth fleece
but more I try to have it defined
more I feel myself refined
Is it really so reclusive
or is it only for few exclusive??
Its claimed by the lovelorn
and also by the heart torn
Peace as an irony
really seems so funny
but the question still remains...
where is it that peace rains???

"...till death do us apart" - Truth or a Myth ????

It was nearly 2 years that she had moved away from him. He just couldn't believe that she could do such a thing. the numerous affirmations she had spoken about their relation still haunted him. "How can a person move away from a commitment made to one's own self?", he frequently asked himself. Thousands of times she had reiterated that she would be with him till her last breath, each time when he had heard her words he used to ponder on whether he was really capable in matching her grit...but then...all of a sudden...and he felt he was much better then her when it comes to standing by one's words. He was on verge of shrugging off his past when one fine day.....

He was chatting with a collegue who was underperforming. He was probing reasons for her non-performance. Slowly she spoke her heart out, about a boy friend she had, about their parents' resistance towards their match and the numerous obstacles she was facing to convince the elders. Hearing her story, his past revisited him again. He posed her a simple question...."would you be with him irrespective of the obstacles you face?". Her affermation was followed by a sentence he hated the most..."I'll be with him till death do us apart". He bade her to leave and walking back towards his cabin smiled heartily. Does such a statement ever exist in action? he was confident that it didn't.
There wasn't much work that day. Trying to relax in his seat he pondered as to why humans use such phrases and successfully convince fellow beings when they know they might be incapable of delivering goods when it matters the most. Is it because they are unaware of the ferocity of the situations they might come across in future or is it because of an instable mind which keeps on changing loyalties or is it simply because of a typical human tendency to "speak more and do less" ??? Whatever it be, the sufferer is always the person who believes... "people just like me", he felt. Even among friends phrases like "tere liye to jaan haazir hai" ...."jaan jigri dost" are very common.
But irrespective of whether these friends really stand up to the phrases used, we are rarely bothered. But when it comes from someone with whom we have plans of spending a lifetime, we never miss it as a casual something. We always believe the person. statements like these can be compared to an imaginary wall on which we try to lean. Time comes when we are so sure of the existance of this wall that that we let it support our full weight. And one fine day when we realize that its a wall built of bricks containing just words, even before the next thought has entered your mind, you are already on the ground with a broken spine.
Now does this mean that all humans are untrustworthy.....hmmm... difficult to answer because no one can affirm or negate this statement with complete confidence.

(to be continued....)

Alpha 2 Omega

Prologue

We were sitting on a bench in the park. Complete silence surrounded us. It was comparable to the pleasantness experienced at the twilight during dawn. I asked her why she fought with me. I wanted to know why was the element of mistrust was thrust between us. She was calm and composed. Her answer still continues to positively haunt me. The voice and words are still afresh. “Agar pyar nahi karti to jhagada kyun karti ?” was her innocent reply, rather an innocent question. I was speechless. It was the first time that any girl had expressed her love for me. It was a dream come true. I wanted to pinch myself to check if I was not dreaming. I held her close to me, I could feel her breath, and looking directly at her beautiful eyes I was completely lost in her. I drew my face closer to hers; our lips were eagerly waiting for that magical moment. I couldn’t stop myself and kissed her gently. I was feeling that even she was feeling relieved at that moment. With closed eyes we were lost in each other, it was difficult to separate our locked lips, and finally when we did, we realized that the fabled magical moment called the “First Kiss” was a history in our life. “I love you”, I whispered, her voice echoed mine with an additional “too”. It was and would remain the finest moment in my life.
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THEIR STORY..... keep visiting this page for the additions....
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Epilogue

We were sitting on a bench in the park. Complete silence surrounded us. . It was comparable to the uneasiness experienced at the twilight during dusk I asked her why she was leaving me. I wanted to know why was the element of misfortune was thrust between us. She was impatient and restless. Her answer still continues to negatively haunt me. The voice and words are still afresh. “Tum se pyar kia yeh meri sab se badi galati thi, Kyu aaye tum mere zindagi mei?” was her rude reply, rather a rude question. I was speechless. It was the first time that anyone had expressed their hatred for me. It was a nightmare turned reality. I wanted to kill myself to escape facing the scenario further. I held her close to me, I could feel her breath, and staring directly at her arrogant eyes I was completely lost in the past. I drew my face closer to hers. I couldn’t stop myself and slapped her angrily. I was feeling that even she was feeling relieved at that moment. With closed eyes we desperately tried to shrug off our past and each other, it was difficult to separate our wretched souls, and finally when we did, we realized that the fabled magical duration called the “First love” was a history in our life. “I hate you”, I shouted, her voice echoed mine with an additional “too”. It was and would remain the worst moment in my life.

Did I ever tell you....

When the times were scary
and the path so fiery...
when you clutched my hands
to cross the troubled lands..
Did I ever tell you ...How much I care for you..?

The frightening darkness,
which engulfed you in its vastness...
me desperately groping for your presence
for you were my life's very essence..
Did I ever tell you...How much I fear for you..?

Your soothing everlasting smiles
kept me going on and on for miles.
But that thought of a small tear..
and I'd simply freeze full of fear..
Did I ever tell you...How much I feel for you..?

All said and all done..
please realize it wasn't just for fun
I lead you out of your internal strife
in this beautiful journey called life..
Did I ever tell you...How much I love you..?

My Friends...My people : Part II

As promised....here I come up with my rendezvous with Axy Mukku,Paryaa...Nago..Anna..Ani..Maulik..Sreekaa, Vicky and last but not the least Coolbeer

Axy the Axer

(saalaa sab mushkilon ko kaat koot ke rakh degaa...)

If there was one person I truly believed, could match me in all respects was this guy....Axy.

Meet Er Akshay Ghonge...he is a khandaani engineer following the profession of his dad and grand dad...and so the prefix "Er". Tough...tougher toughest....these are the only words i feel will, would describe this Maverick. We both felt the heat and wrath of the great Nagpur University...and he with his unshakable commitment and sheer grit could overcome the hurdles a bit quicker than me. When I really needed someone to help me rationalize my thoughts, he used to be with me.

We all, JK, Axy. Mukku, Parya and me of course were the 'Famous Five' of our college. we fought, we argued, we wept, we smiled. Though distances have torn us apart, yet we still live together in each others mind and hearts.

Had really fun time with Axy and KK during our so calld project at Vizag Steel Plant and also the wonderful weekend biryanis with him and Gondu in Hyderabad during Axy's posting in Infy.

Bro you were always my synonym for hard work and determination... tere liye to jaan haazir hai dost !!!!

Of Dreams and Realizations…

“No”, he told himself…enough was enough. He knew she was not interested in him and the message was clearly delivered to him each time he had approached her.

He distinctly remembered the day, a couple of years ago, when he had first proposed her through a common friend and how bluntly he was delivered the answer. For her he was just a ‘friend’, nothing more. Days passed, and though she had given her verdict, she could not keep herself away from him albeit she ensured that the key word still remained ‘friend’. Her smiles warm behavior and jovial chats with him often confused him on whether she had a change of mind. She seemed to be getting closer to him now than before. This continued behavior from her side led him to approach her again…yet …the answer remained the same.

He recollected numerous arguments the had over the matter…some minor..Some major. He remembered those very lengthy durations of a day or two when they refused to see eye to an eye and almost each time it was she who blinked first…but he still was a friend for her. He honestly believed that he was not wrong in dreaming a life with her. He also sincerely found himself not unworthy of her. For him she was the ultimate person who could fit the image of a perfect life partner to the ‘T’. She was made for him he thought. Everything else was fine, his parents liked her..Her parents had a high regard for him. Even she thought of him as highly caring and quite nice. Everything pleasant except for her indifference over the matter, which mattered the most. Many times he thought of avoiding her and in fact had carefully implemented it, but a simple,” Why are you not talking to me?”, from her reverted his stance forcing him to do a ‘U’ turn.

But now, he thought it was time to settle the matter for once and for all. It was clear that she wasn’t interested so why should he care for her? After all not all dreams come true, not everything under the sky is possible or achievable no matter how sincerely or honestly aimed for. He tried hard to make up his mind never ever to think of her. He tried hard to counter the storm which was raging up in his mind when the mobile besides him gave a beep . It was a SMS from one of his pals and read..

“When you find a dream inside your heart don’t ever let it go….for dreams are tiny seeds from which beautiful tomorrows grow”
Indeed the storm in his mind blew over.

The time...with you.

The time I spend with you..

the moments which are but few

when I wait for you to speak

and feel like kissing your cheek

our cruise through the unexplored locations...

the walk together in the dreamy vacations..

when however close we are..

the distance still seems too far

the thought of being one with you

you know well is not so new..

you say its time to leave

and put me across a sieve

please stay back for some more time

I know I say this everytime...

I just cant get enough of you..

the moments though...still seem few.

...and I was waiting again.

And I was waiting again..
wasn't sure of a loss or a gain.
Never knew what was in store...
for life is oppurtunities galore.
Some were missed, some caught...
overall it was a battle well fought.
And then came the end of the day..
and I had but nothing to say.
Irrespective of my notion..
I was still in the same position
I hoped I wasn't insane..
when the next day I started to wait again.

My Girl Friends and the lessons I learnt....

Abstract:

The first one made me realize I wasn't immune to love..

The second one taught me that I had the capability to fall in love again....

The third made me realize the need of a stepney !!!!! ha ha ha

Details follow shortly....keep visiting this page.

Times...Past...Present

I sat back and saw my past..
Gosh !!........... it was so vast

There were times when I cried..
when actually I should have tried

Times when I had clenched my fist
when I had to clear my mind's mist

The obstacles I used to fear...
the path which I thought was not clear...

of destinations no way near
the thought accompanied by tear

The dilemma of wrong or right
was the only thing in my sight

leaving me totally confused
dreading to tread the unused

It was then you helped me to wade
when the darkness almost had its raid

I started sensing the light
so far which escaped my sight

you taught me to change
and enhance my range

Like a brave Knight
I withstood with all my might

and lo..here I am in my present..
raring to grow like a crescent

I realized I had overcome my past
and by your grace escaped being lost.

About Me...

Thieves like MONEY
Bees like HONEY...
I'm liked by everyone....
Coz I am PHANEE...

Be my side...

My position is tight
whenever u fight
I know you are always right
but that's something out of my sight...

When you aren't with me nothing seems right,
your presence besides me makes things light
letting my heart fly ..just like a kite.

Love to have a dinner with you every night
but experience says I'll lose appetite.

Leave me never even if u might
coz ...the thought make me shrill with fright.

I think of you...

It pains...whenever it rains...

The days were full of pain,
When I searched for you in vain..
Life was never the same,
with me minus your name...

You Slipped away like an eel..
Never thought how I would feel,
Shattering my heart ..
like a marksman's dart..
Striking exactly where it pains..
and this memory flashes whenever it rains.

Losing you was my biggest fear..
I still wish you were near.
But then there is a dawn of reality..
which is life and its fraility..
I feel the shot of thousand striking canes..
and this memory flashes whenever it rains.

I'll change....

Cleaning my room's floor
She gave me a loud roar
Lost in a movie full of thrill,
I wasn't moved nor did I shrill.
Her repeated tantrums
Failed to pierce my ear drums....

"How could you be so mean...?
Can’t you keep your room clean?
All the day u see me toil
Yet u play my perfect foil"

"I know ma, I’m a bit lazy
But by no means am I crazy...
I know u work very hard,
While I gallop around like a lord.
My acts I am aware are very silly,
But how I wish I could change so easily"


"But I'll change, I promise
And give my lethargy a miss
From my responsibilities never shall I run...
And will again stand up to be your proud son"

"Pardon me mom for one last time...
Meanwhile can u get me a glass of lime???????"

My Friends...My People..

Well the other day one of my aquaintance quipped..."why the hell on earth do u come up with something which disturbs ur mind even after shutting down the url...don't u have some interesting stuff to share...?" Well that was a valid question indeed....so i started thinking what exactly can I produce, which would be interesting as well as soul searching... Thanks Aniket for helping me to get my answers... and here I go .. describing my journey in life so far in the most wonderful company of some really interesting people whom I call ..... "MY FRIENDS...MY PEOPLE" ..... To be fair I never classify my friends as just friends...close friends...n best friends... I just have Friends wo are THE BEST....and hence automatically they can be termed as My Best ones... I mentioned this coz many people tend to give preference to the order of mention...and most of the time The first being the Best.... To negate the existance of this notion...I start with the order in which I met each of them.... I reiterate...all those mentioned below are equally close to me... its just that i mentioning them in the order of my meeting with them...

1) Chinnu.... the chimp
(Saalaa hamesha Bandar ke harkate kartaa rehtaa tha ...!!!!!!!!)







They say that u cannot choose ur relatives...but u can choose ur friends... I followed this quote aptly...I was always choosy about my friends... and the very first to enter this bracket was Mr. M. Shyamakrishna...or "CHINNU" for me.. (Chinnu in Telugu is an affectionate word which means the younger one).I first met him somewhere around 1986.. Chinnu and me were of the same age group...he was just 19 days older to me (a fact which he continues to brag about claiming his seniority ha ha ) Our parents were family friends and so naturally when Dad was transferred from Patna to Nagpur, their's was the family who helped us in the initial days.. We were in different schools but stayed in the same neighbourhood.. He was a born rebel.... I used to find it interesting when he used to fight with everyone under the sun whenever he thought he was being wronged... this included his parents too.... Was a very sharp student..but unfortunately these never got converted into the progress reports (Hell...I hated that death word...and the feeling continues....though its called Apprisals now... ) Fearless to the core... his most used phrase.. "phodne ka hai"...which means lets blast it out still remains my war cry whenever I feel I am being cornered...

Things became worse as he grew up...he family was down with severe financial and physcological crisis... his performance in junior college was pathetic just managing to scrap thru the subjects...and for most of the world.. he was someone who had a spark..but who couldn't ignite anything....or so they felt untill....
Chinnu now has two Masters (MCA and MSc ) besides his name and is currently doing his third Masters in Computers in Sweden....his family bravely fought their way out of the struggles and the story continues happily...
I admire Chinnu for his fighting spirit... really...Others were others...he was he... for me he was the apt example for Heroism...which they say is the endurance to last a moment more.Thanks Chinnu for imbibing these in me...

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2) Sam...the Saint

(Saalaa hamesh Life ke baare mei.. philosophy jhaadtaa rehtaa tha)

Its said that a man is known by the company he keeps....How true !! partucularly during teenages when you easily get swayed away by things which you are supposed to be away from. Cometh the moment..cometh the man. In 1995, our family moved to Nanded, and stayed for nearly 4 years before moving back to Nagpur. I got admission in a school called GMVV (Gyan Mata Vidya Vihar...a missionary school). I owe a lot to this school for my current personality...and for the lifelong guide it gifted me by name Mr. Samar Kharwadkar or "SAM" for me...

In school I first heard of Sam when I as a newcomer in the school was cautioned by my classmates to stay away from one "Samar"...its but natural that you always tend to do things which you are advised against...particularly when the advices come from people of ur own age group. We got a house in the same colony in which Sam stayed, so it was natural for us to meet at the bus stop enroute to school... believe me...I was attracted towards this right from day one...and I can proudly say that I am Sam's Best buddy. I cant completely describe abt Sam's personal life...as I feel it would be wrong..but one thing...anyone else in his position would have ceased to exist. He survived for a simple reason that he was SAMAR. Having lost both his parents at an early age, he was left to fend for himself surrounded by relatives for whom I have no good words.. ..Here's one interesting anecdote.... Its customary in Maharashtra to offer Saunf and betelnuts whn a guest leaves....my mom once offered the same to Sam and his reply..."Saunf se supari...supari se Cigerette..cigerette se Daaru...aur daaru se ladki...." He was but 14 yrs at that time... These words were itched in my mind... and till date..I am neither a smoker nor do I drink.

This dude of mine is perfect at every art known to me .....sirf us se ladkiyaan nahi pati aaj tak... No probs Sam...hum kis din kaam aayenge...will ensure that u learn this from me !!!!

Thanks Sam for everything you taught me... and for everything I am going to learn from you in days to come...

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3) JK....The Juggler
(Saalaa hameshaa kisi na kisi maamle me jhugaad kartaa rehtaa hai)

Now its the turn of the most wierd creature which exists on Planet Earth... "JK" or Mr. Jaideep Kshirsagar for you...
I first met JK during my junior college...we were neighbours and I was totally unaware of the fact that this guy was of the same age group as I was...infact we were i the same class albiet different colleges. My ignorance was partly coz of his hefty personality and constant cricket (12 std students were expected to be bookworms in Maharashtra...I was like that ).. I remember JK and his group giving me awakward snares while I interrupted thier game of gully Cricket while walking towards my home....and the first time I ever spoke to him was during my engineering councelling when I found him sitting besided me..I casually greeted him mentioning that I was his neighbour...(I was for the past 1 year)...and asked him for whose admission he had come.... It was than that the fact that he was my compatriot (!!!!!!!)... we had the same group percentage and hence landed up in the same college (Priyadarshini college of Engineering & Arch, Nagpur) along with one more Stud by name PARYAA..(iskaa introduction bhi hone waalaa hai)...may that was the last time I was happy... coz.... the comming 4 years I spent with him... I was... hmmm... yeah... I WAS THE HAPPIEST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! copying Bryan Adams ...all I can say is those were the best days of my life....
My benchmate all 4 yrs...we rockked everywhere.....I am going 2 dedicate a seperate post for this guy. His mere presence was enough to trickle tears of laughter.... but as days passed I also learnt how hard it was being JK. I could very well compare this fellow with a swan....naah he wasn't that fair...I call him so coz he looked so calm and composed but underneath he was always working hard to put up great totals....a great fighter. Made his fortune from scratch...A man of his word...
Now happily engaged to his sweetheart...I am eagerly awaiting his marriage this April...
Dude....thanks for everything...life wouldn't have been the same had I not met u...

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4) Gondu...the Ginger

(Saalaa ye ginger kahaan se aagayaa bhai ?????)

Hey...Chinnu the chimp was ok....Sam the saint was understandable....but whats this Gondu the Ginger... it isnt fair to murder english just coz u wanted a word to start from "G" ....calm down calm down... I have my reasons to use the word Ginger... Whats Ginger...its a spice... whats a cup of tea without the presence of this spice.... The guy I am going to describe now is just the same... If I can equate my life to a cup of tea (I will get back with reasons abt why I say say so... anyways Tea also happens to by fav drink...) He was that piece of ginger in it...he added spice to my life...

Circa 2000...Phaneendra joins an Engineering College.. (I wont mention anything abt my college or the activities here as I already have an idea of a mighty..lengthy...and flithy (truly..!!!) blog in my mind which I am going to come up with shortly...

Now getting back to the point... its here that I came across probably the most wonderful person I ever met...(I bet...I may not come across such a person not only in this life but also the coming 6lives too).. meet Mr. P. Govindu Reddy.....or just "GONDU" for all of his friends ..me included.. (its another thing that we ocassionally replaced the "o" with an "a"....no foul language intended...but that's the fact ha ha )

I met Govind toward the end of my Ist year during a College annual function. You can say it was a friendship at first sight. He was a Telugu just like me...but a different one.. expert dancer..comedian..and a great human being...I still regret that I took such a long time to meet him (partly coz we were in different branches...me in Industrial Electronics, he was in Electrical)...

I can go on and on and on speaking about this chap...but I have decided to dedicate a complete post for him. So to just summerize things... I learnt the art of laughing off failures and obstacles from him. Had it not been for him....I would have been a loser..probably lying in some dark corner shying away from everyone... trying to hide myself from this world. You are wrong bro wen u say that I am ur Guru...infact its the other way round..

Thanks a lot for teaching me a sentence called... "Jo hoga dekha jayega...apun ko jo karnaa hai wo karne kaa hai bas" and lo...here I am...a person who fears no fear...and all the credit to u my friend.

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5) KK...the King

(Saalaa ye to hum sab ke dilon kaa Raajaa tha..hai..aur rahegaa..)

If my school gifted me Sam...my college gave me "KK"......meet Mr. Krishna Kumar Sure..... If I admire any person the most...even more than myself ..its him...(i confess here that i am suffering from accute narcissism...its another thing that I enjoy it).I wish if I had even a tenth of the qualities which KK personifies. He is my friend philosopher and guide... level headed...the most striking feature is his beautiful heart which can hurt no one... He has everything he wants under the sun... except for a term called "Enemy".
Troubled times...and I have KK to bail me out...I call him KK the Great.

I have had the previlage to be his friend..i enjoy the hospitality of his family whenever I am in Nagpur......the biriyani at ur home rockks dude... People like him are rare and I thank God for providing me an oppurtunity to rub shoulders with him...

If there is one person who i want to be like its him....ideal son..brother...student...friend..and above all an ideal human being.

KK... hats off to u dude... I count on u ...

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hey dont go away....comming up shortly Axy..Paryaa...Nago..Anna..Ani..Maulik..Sreekaa, Vicky and last but not the least Coolbeer... stay tuned... till then enjoy few pics below....

me n JK....no no no we aren't drunk....just trying to enact like one.. ha ha ..

Gondu, KK & Me...

One of those rare occasions when all three were together after engineering days....miss u guys :(





From L-R....Me ..Anna ...Gondu and Vabby
This was our regular hangout place in our college...the pic was taken when we visited our alma mater on the occasion of NAGO's marriage....

My defination of Love....

My definition of love...is different from the book
my definition of love is more than just a look
love is more than a wordmore than a song, more than a note
love is more than a poemmore than anything i've wrote
love is reaching out to touch someoneto be sure that they're there
love is leaning in to kiss someone
to remind them that you care
love is looking her in the eyesand whispering in her ears
love is cuddling when she cries
and catching all her tears
love is the warmth shared between hugs
when everything else is cold
love is knowing they'll still be there
when everything else is old
love is hearts beating faster and faster
while everything else is slowed down
love is singing sweet songs to her
even if hundreds are around
love is driving through the rain
to help someone through tough times
love is me wishing that you'll love me too
wishing you'd be mine
love isn't just holding hands
love is holding hearts
love isn't where it ends....love is where it starts...

too good

You’re my sunshine after the rain You’re the cure against my fear and my pain ‘Cause I’m losing my mind When you’re not around It’s all... it’s all... It’s all because of you You’re my sunshine Oh yeah... Baby I really know by now Since we met that day You showed me the way I felt it then you gave me love I can’t describe How much I feel for you I said baby I should have known by now Should have been right there Whenever you needed loveAnd if only you were here I’d tell you, yes I’d tell you How much i love you..Honestly, could it be you and me Like it was before Neither less or more 'Cause when I close my eyes At night I realize that no one else Could ever take your place I love you....

Preparing to be nostalgic.....

And so we talked all night about the rest of our lives Where we're gonna be when we turn 25 I keep thinking times will never change Keep on thinking things will always be the same But when we leave this year we won't be coming back No more hanging out cause we're on a different track And if you got something that you need to say You better say it right now cause you don't have another day Cause we're moving on and we can't slow down These memories are playing like a film without sound As we go on We remember All the times we Had together And as our lives change Come whatever We will still be Friends Forever So if we get the big jobs And we make the big money When we look back now Will our jokes still be funny? Will we still remember everything we learned in college? Still be trying to break every single rule Will little brainy Bobby be the stockbroker man? Can we ever find a job that won't interfere with a tan? I keep, I keep thinking that it's not goodbye Keep on thinking it's a time to fly Will we think about tomorrow like we think about now? Can we survive it out there? Can we make it somehow? I guess I thought that this would never end And suddenly it's like we're women and men Will the past be a shadow that will follow us 'round? Will these memories fade when I leave this town I keep, I keep thinking that it's not goodbye Keep on thinking it's a time to fly !!!

The Proof

She was inconsolable….a feeling of having being wronged in terrible way was pounding her mind. Restless, she was running out of her thoughts….her voice ceased to exist when she tried helplessly to vent out her grief. Felt like banging her head against the wall which also had beautiful portrait of them. “Why did he leave me …..God why was I out of my senses”, she seemed to scream. But of no avail…she was left all alone to sympathize and empathize with herself.

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“I don’t trust you”, she gave her frank opinion. “I some or other feel you still love her only…..why?? if wouldn’t you return back to her if she said yes at this point….I am sure you would. I just don’t believe you”. He was not surprised at her reaction; this wasn’t the first time though that she had come up with such views but off late the frequency had definitely increased. He tried to control his anguish and anger. His mistake…. he had reveled to her about his past…..as a young teenager, bolstered by his friends; he had proposed a damsel in his college. Though the relation never actually took off, he too didn’t mind as even while proposing her, he was more interested in joining the ‘elite’ group of his friends who had proposed someone rather than actually being interested in the results. The result, an obvious ‘Big Zero’ failed to falter him. Though he had maintained good relationship with this person yet such thoughts never ever crossed his mind again….even forcing him to laugh off the histrionics he had come up with while proposing her. The story had a silent ending…..or this was what he thought….as it was to come back to haunt him again and again in his present tense.

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He was a happy man. His dream girl was his fiancée now. Life seemed to be rocking…”What else do I want in life”, he was never tired of asking himself. Truly Gods seemed to favor him….or were they really???
He was not a straight forward person but wasn’t even crooked. He liked playing gimmicks ….most of them unintentionally, just to satisfy his alter ego. This was one of his traits which were slowly proving to be his nemesis…. During a regular meet…he was describing his college life to her and went on to mention his ‘proposal’ incident. She was enjoying his stories till then but the moment he had finished his latest…her expressions made him realize that along with the story, he had finished the relation too. Their relation was never the same again. She had a feeling of having been betrayed. She wasn’t at fault too….after all every girl wants to be the sole occupier of her man’s heart. But unknown to her she was actually doing so….there was no room for anyone else in his heart a fact which kept on disbelieving. The crack kept on widening…. Added to this she found that he was still in contact with her…sms…emails…calls. This was something which she really could not digest. Her suspicion took over her and the relation too. Time and again he tried to prove his innocence but failed to do so….after all this wasn’t a chemical or mathematical equation which can be proved to someone. How often can a person prove his love for someone…..???? His behavior and attitude towards the relation might be few factors which can be accepted partly as metrics worth evaluation …..but here she wasn’t prepared for these too. Her engagement with him was literally in shambles. He was totally engrossed in getting back their relation to normalcy if not better, but of no avail. He k new that the end was imminent.

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Equations had clearly changed. He started to realize that that there something he wanted in this life of his. A simple “I trust you” from her….a want which he started to realize that it would never materialize. They fought everyday…one of them trying to prove…satisfy…and stamp a so called fact while the other fiercely resisting it. Finally the doomsday had arrived, a day which neither of them wanted or expected to interfere in their hitherto sweet memorable life. She insisted on calling off their engagement and in a fit of rage threw the ring on him….as the engagement ring rolled out on the road disappearing somewhere….all the bitter sweet memories flashed in his mind….he simply walked toward his bike…kicked it to ignition and raised the throttle to full. And before zooming through a cloud of smoke he told her….”you will shortly get the proof you wanted” “Go to hell, seemed to be her reply.

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Her cell phone blinked indicating an sms. It read…

“Alwys wntd 2 hear hw mch u trustd me.bt I faild.by da tim u gt dis sms i wud b gne.trust me.ther is no one else in my hrt but u. Luv u so much bye tc”

Although they had fought and had many bitter moments yet she could never recollect a single incident during which he had talked of leaving her. So she was startled by this message. She still cherished love in her heart. Even she was often confused and often questioned herself as to what she was up to….but failed to get any relevant answers. She wanted to be with him only. She wanted to speak to him once again. She wanted to apologize for her words which now she felt would have really shattered him. At once her heart was filled with joy…it was his call she could judge it by the ringtone…she was getting ready to shower apologies on him….the smile which was long lost was back on her lips….



He was dead. His bike had rammed a truck coming from opposite direction. Passerbies had seen him handling his cell phone while driving. The police had called the no. stored against the entry ‘Wife’ from his cell phone which wasn’t damaged in the incident to inform her about the incident. A case of death due to reckless driving while using the cell phone was registered. “These youngsters…they will never listen to us when we say no phones while driving”, someone standing there quipped.





She was inconsolable….a feeling of having being wronged in terrible way was pounding her mind. Restless, she was running out of her thoughts….her voice ceased to exist when she tried helplessly to vent out her grief. Felt like banging her head against the wall which also had beautiful portrait of them. “Why did he leave me …..God why was I out of my senses”, she seemed to scream. But of no avail…she was left all alone to sympathize and empathize with herself.

Yes …he was right. He had proved what he meant….life was never the same for her again.

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Thats Life...

This one's from my collection....u will surely agree with the gist...even I did...

Prologue:

Half past eight at night, a moonlit lawn, dinner tables with candle lights, melodious love songs playing in the background, a sweet-scented cool breeze drifting across the gardens; what could be more romantic for a newly married couple? Abhirami and I had got married three weeks back, after we had been engaged for a mere twenty days.

It was a routine for us to dine out every Saturday night since the day we had got engaged.1My parents had found Abhirami through an online matrimony and had chosen her after scanning many profiles. Incidentally, she worked in the same company as I did. An MBA grad just out of college, she worked as an Associate Manager in HR and had joined our company three months before I first met her in her house.The first encounter was a good one though. Our parents gave about an hour's time in private to get to know each other and for me, it was more like an HR round of some walk-in interview; she had bombarded me with so many questions! The only question I got to ask was an initial "Hi?" after which, she took over the scene and spoke so many things about her in less than fifteen minutes, not only was it difficult for me to digest all of what she said, but also it did not leave me anymore questions to be asked; I just kept answering to whatever she asked me. In any case, I was not much keen on trying to find out anything about her, for I had already agreed on everything even before going to their house. My decision of saying yes was because of only one reason - to keep my parents happy, at least this time.

The day after our engagement, we met at a shopping mall and as we strolled around we chit-chatted while window-shopping at the same time. 'Paapu' was her pet name at home and I too preferred calling her like that, not only because I felt she was a little kiddish, but also since she was almost four years younger than me. "Hey paapu, we haven’t even got three weeks for our marriage, you know", I said."Yeah and I'm telling you now itself, go and live your life to its fullest, do whatever you want in these days and be done with your bachelorhood. I bet you'll repent later for having lost your freedom", she chuckled, paused and then asked with eyes wide open, "Why? Are you scared?""Naah! I'm all ready for it, you know. But it's all happening so quickly and you know I was just wondering how you could agree for all this so fast!""Karthik!" she used to call me by name, "when my parents told me that someone was interested to take me as his wife, in a way I felt easy that that someone worked in the same company as I did. So I dug out some basic information about you, 'you know' and I had a peep into your website...""That's not my website; it's my blog!" I was really passionate about it, even the calling."Blog or whatever. Anything which opens in that 'e'-Internet Explorer is a website for me." It's a little difficult to explain such things to technically-non-sense people and hence I preferred not to interrupt her. "Ok ok! You were telling something, please continue.""Ya. Then I saw your web..blog, went through all that you had written, came to know quite a few things about you and was really impressed on your ability to churn up so many words.""Whaaaaaaat?" I was flabbergasted. "You fell for a guy just by seeing some bullshit he has written for someone else?""Whoa! That's not it. There's something else too. But hey, why the hell do you think that what you write is crap? Believe me, the only way in this whole wide world to express your feelings to a girl like me is by words and not roses or chocolates! Words are forever my dear and I very well know that whatever you wrote over there came out straight from your heart. Those words were good enough to prove to me that you had a clean heart. I just tried putting myself in place of the one for whom you wrote all that stuff and trust me, I could really feel that all of it was written for me. All it took for me was a little trying; was kind of a mental preparation for me to be your wife. By the way, who said you write junk? Tell me and I know how to deal with them", she gave the look of a girl child playing teacher-teacher."Trying to take undue advantage of your authority, eh?" I tried pulling her leg."Well, then I don't know what you're gonna do if I told you that I had talked to all of your team members two weeks ago.""What? Oh my god! Now I know what that 'Meet-Your-HR' was for. I did want to know why project managers were not invited, but then, my team mates said it was just an informal meet to discuss some of their problems...""I made it look like that", she winked with an evil smile, "and actually due to that, I came to know what others around you think of you - professionally as well as personally! Their opinions just added on to my reasons; I had to rely on others opinion you see, I never even knew that such a creature had existed for me. So there was no question of having my opinion about you", she smiled again.

I felt I heard somebody laughing at me and someone else yelling from behind, "Dude, you are dead meat now. She's gonna be watching you 24/7." But whatever it was, I felt that maybe, in Abhirami, I am finding my lost love."Hey paapu, tell me one thing. Didn’t you have any boyfriends ever?" I'd never gotten a chance to ask that. "I did. Four, till date." "Whoa! Then how come you didn’t think of getting along with any of them for life?""Na na!" She made faces, "They were really good boyfriends; but none too good for a hubby material. Each of them always thought of taking me out, going out to movies, parks and shopping and at some point of time secretly thinking of laying me down! But don’t you worry. I'm still a virgin.""Ha ha! No, I don't really mind. But don't you feel guilty that you ditched four good guys?""You know one thing dear. Not all boyfriends make good husbands and not all girlfriends make good wives. By the way, I did not ditch any of them. They simply went away; some butterflies and some cowards. But, what about you? You never told me who that girl was?" "Hey look! This shop says flat 50% off on all type of clothes. Wanna try out?" I asked her. "You bet! Chalo, let's go inside." She pulled me in. It's so easy to divert a woman's mind I thought and felt glad about the experience I had gained!

Three weeks after our marriage, on yet another Saturday night, we had gone to yet another restaurant. This was a newly opened garden restaurant on top of a hillock and was not known by many. With candle-lit dinner tables in an open garden and a soft cool breeze drifting across, it was the perfect getaway for families as well as couples on any night of the week. Abhirami and I took a table in the far corner; not that nobody should disturb us, but because I did not want anybody else to get disturbed by our, I mean Abhirami's, talking. A few moments after we settled down, while we still hadn’t thought about ordering anything, a very cute little boy, maybe not even two years old, toddled towards our table. "Cho chweet!" Abhirami exclaimed and turned sideward to pick him up. She was very fond of small kids and always coquetted that she wanted at least a dozen of them from me! Before she even stretched her hands, a female voice started calling out, "Partha, Partha, come here. Come here dear." The name Partha struck something in me. But what was more unsettling was the woman who called out. She came near our table and while she picked him up and said, "He's become very naughty these days. Keeps running away all the..." she saw my face; words got stuck in her throat. She turned to see where her husband was. He was already seated at a nearby table. "Very sweet child!" Abhirami said to her, but she did not listen. She simply went to her table and sat down. My mind was totally fazed out.Abhirami turned towards me. She could easily sense that I was unnerved. "Something’s wrong? What happened dear?" "No, nothing. Paapu can we go to some other place? I'm not finding the ambience as good as people told about it.""What? I am not budging from this chair until we are done for this evening. Karthik, I'm sure it's about something else. Come on tell me what it is." The first time I tried lying to her and I was caught so easily. I knew I had no option but to give away."You always wanted to know who my first love was, isn’t it? That's her - Poorvi; the lady who picked up the kid just now." Abhirami turned back to see Poorvi seated diagonally opposite to us and facing our table. "Paapu, please, don’t look at someone like that." "Oh! Come on, she’s not any someone. Let me see what's so special about her that made you go head over heels." "You can never see it from the outside." I said lowering my voice.She turned back. "Karthik, I always felt there was something really heavy that you carried all the time. It's probably because you have never got anybody to share it with or never thought of letting it out. Listen to me. Tell me about it right now. I am sure it will definitely make you feel lighter. Trust me." She held my hand. I did trust her. I too felt that there was no point in keeping it inside anymore. "Paapu, she was my college mate; we first met during our college fest in the second year. After that, we met often; sometimes by chance and many a times on purpose, and as we kept meeting, our friendship grew. By the time we reached the final year, we both knew it was something more than friendship that we had in mind. Never in my life had I felt so good about any girl. I started to miss her when she did not meet me or call me on some day. You know it's like, we miss only those whom we never want to miss. With Poorvi around, I felt I had found something that I had always been missing in my life. On one fine day, in our college campus itself, I proposed to her. She too accepted with a beautiful smile. I felt I was the luckiest person in the whole world. "We both had been selected for the same company in a campus interview during our sixth semester itself and so, even before we got out of college, we had started dreaming about settling down in our lives, so much that we had even planned to name our kid 'Partha' if it was a boy and 'Punya' if it happened to be a girl!""Wow! I'm kinda liking this." Abhirami's eyes were gleaming."Unfortunately, the second half isn’t as good. After we got into our jobs, almost everyone except her parents had come to know about us. I too had told my parents that if at all I marry, I will marry only this girl. They were down emotionally and against me for some days but then they understood how much she meant to me and later whole-heartedly accepted her. From then on, she even used to attend every family function of ours. My parents had also agreed to talk to her parents regarding this."But before they did that, on one fine day, when Poorvi had been to her native, she told everything to her parents. That was when tragedy struck. For her parents who were very much conservative, their only daughter's love-marriage was the biggest insult they could suffer in the family. Giving a petty reason that the horoscopes do not match, although there was no problem of caste or community, they simply said no to it and put some guy's photo in front of her and forced her to marry him. When Poorvi resisted, her father suffered a cardiac arrest. I do not know if he acted so, but the doctor is supposed to have said to her that one more such attack and she may lose her father. Hearing this, her mother too sentimentally blackmailed her and all that Poorvi could do was succumb to the situation. She left me stranded but I still don’t blame her; I had been with her for not even five years but her parents were there for her right from the start. I still remember her last words - 'I am really very sorry'. She even quit the company before completing two years and did not wish to continue as a friend either. So I never tried to contact her after that. "I went into solitude for one and a half years, searching for a bit of joy all the time. But in the last four to five months, things at my home reached crisis. Both my parents became more depressed than I was and started to lose their health. This time, I had to surrender to the pressure. Finally I said I would marry any girl that they would put in front of me and then…" my tone was heavy as I finished my story, "you know what happened." Abhirami's eyes were fixed. After a moment, she sat next to me, held my hand tightly and rested her head on my shoulder. For the first time ever I felt Abhirami's hug was different. I could feel her silence telling me something, “Karthik, promise me that you'll never leave me. I need you more than anybody else in this world.” My heart understood what her silence spoke. I realized that I had to be the one in her life and that all she wanted was a little love in return for everything of hers. I looked into her eyes; my eyes made the promise. Finally she spoke. With an aching voice, she just said, "I love you Karthik. Let's go home." We got up. Abhirami remained clung to me like a small child holding its mother. I put my arms around her shoulder and started walking.As I walked past Poorvi, I saw her eyes. There was regret in them. I just wished that she would bury it all.

Final WordsThey say 'Marriages are made in heaven'. Made or not, I do not know, but one thing is for sure - the one whom you’re going to marry, would have already been decided by The One above. No matter how many crushes you have in your life, no matter how many infatuations you go through and no matter how much you try to get into a relationship with someone, you're going to marry the only one you're destined to. If that 'one' happens to be the one you're already in love with, then you sure are lucky, or else, better luck next time!